I came back in town yesterday.
Hihes.
All the time I was away, my mind was filled with him, him and me, me and him, the two of us, the two of us together, the two of us talking, the two of us kissing, the two of us in bed... The list is endless.
I could physically feel his absence, if that makes any sense.
So, before boarding, I sent him a sweet text, hoping (even if I was completely knackered and not looking my best), I would see some of him in the hours following my landing, as we had previously planned.
NOTHING. Nada. Niet. Rien. Niente.
Instead of spending the evening with him, I got myself completely trashed on mulled wine at the Notting Hill Arts Club with Stella.
The guy has gone completely AWOL.
He screened my two calls, and I can't be asked to go through another calling/screening.
This shit is so painful, especially since I really don't know what went wrong.
I wish I could get angry, upset, break something, throw the phone out the window, but I'm just feeling incredibly sad...
I don't even want to start asking myself what happened to my being invited to his gig this coming Friday, and what about meeting the f*cking parents????
Seriously, I know that behaviour of his is a little bit more than arse-holic, but I'm just here, waiting next to the phone, hoping he'll ring and will come up with a plausible explanation. This is only a nightmare, right? Yup, I know: reality denial.
And I can't help but ask myself WHY? What did I do wrong? What happened? What the f*ck is wrong with me? This is doing no good for my self-esteem.
I am totally pissed off with myself. I can sense a theme there: each time I actually admit having feelings for someone, either that person disappears, either I freak out and disappear. Great. I'm not fucked up at all.
But I'm decided not to let myself feeling like a whole lot of mammoth shit because I met a "perfect" guy who "really likes/d me".
Here is my goal. OG just came back - as quite a few texts from him, involving my perfect naked body (his words, not mine) seem to be saying- and if by Friday I haven't heard from Hihes, I'll be sending a few texts of mine involving OG's private parts and his eagerness to make me come over and over again.
I am such a bloody masochist. And I can't even start to explain how sad I am feeling...
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8 comments:
You didn't tell him about your blog, did you?
Devoted Reader
ps nice to have you back
Of course I didn't. Can you picture the scene:
"That bloke who calls himself Devoted Reader told me that we should have a chat"
That would make sooooo much sense to him.
And you didn't answer any of my questions either...
What questions? And I didn't say to have a chat with Hihes, I said have a chat with SA. They're not the same bloke are they?
I tried to email answers, but I think your email is hidden. I could post it here, but it's rather long. Your call....do you want the answers here or want them emailed?
keep your chin up honey, there maybe a reason, i lost my mobile, cant find it anywhere, fuck knows how many call or texts i have on there, x
Devoted: Nope, they're not the same bloke, and yes, I was talking about SA in my comments. I don't really want to put my e-mail address up here, so if you don't mind answering here...
Wayne: I'm not going to fall for the option "every bloke who doesn't call back lost his phone", it's a bit easy, don't you think? But I hope you gte your phone back soon!
Hi Lilith,
Now I realise what questions...
I'm sorry you're having a bit of a rough time of it. SA going back with rebound girl (this isn't the one he was intially going to marry is it? I can't keep up) sounds a bit flaky. Maybe it's just a not wanting to be alone at xmas thing? Or perhaps he's just worrying he'll be left all alone.
I am enjoying the blog, but certainly not for any of the joy or anguish you go through, There would be something perverse if I enjoyed reading about someone else's misery and got a kick out of it. I see enough of that in the real world. I guess I enjoy it because it makes for interesting reading, and you're still quite an enigma. I mean what do I really know about you?
And as for what you know about me, you know even less. But I can remedy that a little. I suppose the best place to start is the beginning. I read Catherine Townsend's blog. Mainly because I would read her column in the Independent. It's not quite Bridget Jones, but a new take on it and she captured an interesting perspective. I don't want to say she's a Bridget for the noughties (as opposed to the 90s - surely there's a better term for this decade?) but she's certainly a progression of that type of writing. Anyway, you posted on there and asked her to take a look. I also took a look. And while your writing is somewhat less polished (understandable, she gets paid to do this, you seem to do it as a hobby) I found it pretty interesting too.
So, that tells you I'm inquisitive. Or nosey. Either works fine for me. You don't need me to be anyone really. I am who I am. But I suppose I can be a little playful too. That's what I'd read into it.
So what do you think? Am I a man or a woman? And how old do you think I am. I'm not sure there's anything I've said so far that would give away my age too much (ok, perhaps one thing), but have a guess at that too.
I don't know whether I'd say I have time to waste. A more accurate description would be I have time which is difficult to fill. I keep unusual hours. While not going as far to say I'm awake while the city sleeps, that's probably about half right. Which obviously makes it difficult to do things in your free time. I mean, how many people are awake at this time of the night? Work means I've had these strange hours for a few years. It pays well but screws up your social life.
I'm glad you're flattered by my "devotion". You can relax...it's not any sort of stalker-ish devotion, but I realised if I was going to comment I should probably use a nom de plume so it was obvious who was leaving comments. Devoted Reader popped into my head after something Stephen King does in some of his books. Usually he'll write a note at the start or end of a book to Dear Reader. Makes it seem a little more personal. So that's why I chose the name...I'm reading regularly so therefore devoted to reading it. I hope that doesn't make me less intriguing. Intriguing is good...
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