I haven't been very good at writting posts recently.

I've just taken up a new translation job, for extra income. Spending so much time on my computer is driving me crazy, and when I'm finally over with the work, I angrily switch it off and go out to get a life, even if it just means going for a walk and pondering the lack of sense in my love/sex life...

Sense is lacking. Definitely.

I stopped returning French Guy's calls, and I think he got the picture now.
That's a shame, but I just figured out that he was the one person in my life I really couldn't be bothered with.
Yes. I am that selfish.
And I'm not worried about him. He's hotter than a jacket potato, and I'm sure he's not short of girls ready to burn themselves taking his jacket off.

I think what pushed me to stop seeing him was Hihes.
Not that I've heard from him since he left to NYC. He's supposed to be back by now, and the fact he hasn't said anything yet is slowly starting to piss me off.
I really like him. And I know I shouldn't have provided him the bed&breakfast&dessert formula the last two times, but there are some things you're just unable to say no to. (sigh)

And there's OG. Of course. You don't think he could withdraw from circulation, do you?
Not that I saw him since he went on tour, but we keep messaging eachother.
And I hate the guy for being so similar to me in many respects. It's such a shame we are also similar on the "I can't commit now" aspect...
Oh well, he's fun. And I'm looking forward to our next meeting in two weeks.



Now, that's where the big problem comes in:

Let's call the guy at the origin of the problem SA.
SA is that handsome great South African guy I've known for months.
Even if he's practically a decade older than me, we get along great, make eachother laugh to the point of rolling to the floor, have the same sense of self mockery, get into passionate discussions about pretty much everything, and are great drinking buddies.
Being part of the Usual Suspects, he's my mate, ok?

True, we've had that flirtation thingy going on for ages. (I remember hinting I had a sexual fantasy which included him during a "I have never..." drinking game months ago.) But it couldn't be serious, could it?
I've met him when he was about to be engaged to my friend Tam. (They broke up since. Shit happens.) But I would NEVER EVER had got into anything with him while they were together.
And when they broke up about a month ago, I remember my first thought was: SHIT!

It was so comfy before, when we knew nothing could happen. And now what???
He spent some time with rebound girl, that I've met at a few parties. Seeing her unbelievable level of stupidity, I wasn't surprised when he told her to bugger off.

I should have seen it coming.
At the party where I met Hihes, I remember coming back from the bathroom for my second Bringing-The-Cocktails-Back-Up/Brushing-My-Teeth session, only to find out he had got into a stupid argument with Hihes.
After the third BTCBU/BMT (it was an exceptionally bad night for my stomach), he was really too drunk to handle and told me it didn't matter if I was planning to bed the wimp, because he was about to call rebound girl. Even if what I thought then was more to do with "What the fuck do you care about???", I told him I didn't give a shit and he could bang his stupid half-siliconed cow an extra time for me if he wanted, and that yes, I was planning to have fun with Hihes, and couldn't care less about what he thought. The discussion ended on a exchange of angrily screamed "FINE!!!" and we thought best not to ever mention it again.

Until last Sunday, when my housemates and I decided to end that drunken week-end by a major coup de grace and invited all the Usual Suspects over to drink a few more vats of mulled wine.

We didn't exactly mention the event.
But after Fiona left, he decided to take her place.
(FYI, I had spent the last hour half lying down on her, not doing anything else than lying down, still following and participating in the drunken conversation... Maybe not a great idea in front of a straight guy, but, call me naive, I really didn't think about it that way.)

One word to define the situation: AWKWARD.
Now, we've always shared a lot together. He had become over the months a much closer friend than Tam, which I know is a bit weird.
But physical intimacy? Never before!
I think it was part of our tacit deal, both of us being conscient of the mutual sexual attraction, and thinking it best not to go too close to eachother... Even our hugs have always been so full of akwardness!

Nothing else happened than us holding eachother. But I had never felt so uncomfortable in my whole entire life. It was just wrong.

I'm afraid I'm slowly loosing a great friend.
What did he want? I'm not sure. But I was certain I didn't want to even think about kissing him by that point.
So why, why, why is he making me so nervous?
And why, why, why do I keep telling Stella about what a great guy he is, and that he would actually be the only straight guy I could see myself marrying?
This is just plain weird.

I'd better stop thinking about it, and rather get upset about the fact that Hihes still isn't calling me back...