Good byes?

I am such a fool.
A bloody foolish idiotic fool.

OG just texted me to say he was leaving London tomorrow for two months.
I freaked out, spilled my cup of coffee all over myself, swore in every language, and decided I needed a nicotine fix now, and didn't even bother to open the door to the balcony. I'm at my third cigarette in the kitchen, still shaking, and my non-smoking housemates are going to kill me...

I am such a fool.
I swore to myself I would never let myself get emotionally involved with OG.
He is toxic, remember?

And then, out of impulsiveness, against my own will, I told him I really-really needed to see him before he leaves. So much for not sounding needy. Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit.

And he said he would try his best... Shit.

What on earth am I expecting????

Why did I say that? I could hit myself right now...

If we do meet up tonight, it's going to be the same old, involving him sneaking into the house, (Mike really doesn't appreciate my seeing him... For some -right-reason, he thinks he is a bit too full of himself, but it doesn't matter, does it? As long as I am, too, full of "himself") clothes flying off, rough ( but oh so good) sex, and him leaving an hour later. Except this time, I won't be able to be that strong, and it's very likely I'll burst in tears once he'll have left. Yep, that, and hating myself.

And if "his best" can't even involve that, I'll hate myself even more. And regret spending the coming hour shaving and cleaning my room...

Well, I'm still off to do that. And yes, I already hate myself.

Why do I care so much? How could I be in such denial?